ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
