You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
