Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
