he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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