I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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