Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
