East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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