if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
