What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
