I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
