Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Are we still banned from the library?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
