I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize