when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
