if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
