I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
