My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
