She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
