Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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