my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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