sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
