my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
