i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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