Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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