I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
