I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
