I am midnight drunk by noon
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
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Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
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It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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