My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Your penis caused this!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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