my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar