Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
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no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
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I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?