I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Come see our sink grown plant.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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