How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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