Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
