I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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