How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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