no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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