everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
