Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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