the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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