I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
