I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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