I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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