I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
