dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
