i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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