new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
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Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
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Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If its not for food we ain't going out.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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