Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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