When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
