I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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