I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he puts the penis in happiness.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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