apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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