I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Watching her eat just hurts me
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
