Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
