I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
