i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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