you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
