The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
