Your dad touched me again.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
