I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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