This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
