If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
