and you said cock pushups were impossible
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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